STAGES OF MARRIED LOVE

JUNE 6, 2009

For a long time it was assumed that adulthood represented a plateau of growth, and that reaching it represented the end of a process of growth that had begun in infancy. After reaching adulthood, it was assumed no further significant growth would take place.

Then we started examining adult life with the aid of social science. What emerged was the realization that human development can, and desirably should, continue right up to the time of death. It was also concluded that growth takes place in stages, and that each new stage presents new challenges which, once overcome, lead to yet another stage of growth.

It should be evident, then, that stages of growth take place in marriage, as well. Couples naturally want to "settle down" after the wedding and honeymoon, and this they do.  This should not mean, however, that they become stagnant or closed to new growth.  Marital love remains strong by growing, and this growth requires continual adjustment to each other as husband and wife continue on the paths of their individual growth.  Here is a sketch of some of the major stages of growth in marriage.

First, there is the beginning period, when both are learning to adjust to each other and to grow out of the false expectations and fantasies of the ideal other. Each must learn to commit to the other.

Next, there is a stage of acceptance. Trust grows, and there is a mutual commitment to the relationship. Both lose interest in winning arguments or imposing a point of view on the other. The mystery of oneness is achieved.

The challenge of parenthood calls for a new stage of marital love which must expand to include children. To make the mutual commitment in marriage to accept a child lovingly from God is a far more weighty decision than it was when considered during the courtship as a wish for the remote future.

Once children come, great adjustments are required. Becoming a family radically changes the time and energy the couple have for each other. Conscious effort is needed by the spouses to insure they give to each other the time necessary to preserve the strength of the personal union. The man will likely feel his wife's attention has shifted from him to the children. The woman may feel her husband is preserving his own independence and a life outside the home while she's
"stuck with the kids". Economic security becomes a greater concern.

Then, mid‑life is reached, and is often experienced as a crisis. The children are old enough for the woman's responsibilities as a mother to be mostly completed, and this can leave a great vacuum of meaning and purpose. The man sees he cannot realistically hope to advance any further in his career, and so he must endure the death of some dreams of success and accomplishment. Both spouses, though, by successfully passing through this crisis, can experience a rebirth to new possibilities and a new life.

If boredom has not yet become a problem, this is the time when it does. Everything seems to be a lifeless routine. A loss of interest in one's spouse is common. There doesn't seem to be anything interesting to do together, or even to talk about together. Hard work may be required by one or
both to resist the temptation of an extra‑marital affair.  The man may seek to reclaim his youth and deny his mortality. Both can succumb to selfishness.

The final challenge of marriage is facing the evening of life together. These years can be a blessed time of freedom from responsibilities, of rediscovering the original grace of marital love, and of rekindling physical and spiritual intimacy. However, spouses may also find it difficult to be with each other all the time, especially if one becomes the care provider for the other.

From the Christian perspective, if we are to speak of growth in marital love by stages, we can say that each stage represents a death to a former way of being married, so that a new and deeper marital union can be achieved. A growing marriage involves a process of death and resurrection over and over again. This kind of marriage can truly be a marriage in the Lord, wherein both minister to each other and make of their home a domestic church. In such a marriage the power of God's own love holds the two together.

Couples should not be discouraged by any crisis they face in marriage. If they stick to their marriage vows and stay close to God, they can, with his grace, turn every breakdown into a breakthrough to a deeper and more perfect union.

+Bishop Raymundo J. Peña

last updated 11-Jan-2010 8:22 sitemap