THE MYSTERY OF CONVERSION

October 30, 2009

Last week I took up the theme of conversion, which is about a complete inner transformation of mind, heart, and behavior. I noted that God calls us to it, and gives us the necessary grace to achieve it. Without God's help, we would be powerless to change ourselves. Yet, we must struggle to cooperate. As St. Augustine put it, "God who made me without me cannot save me without me." So difficult is the struggle, in fact, that St. Augustine spoke of the experience and struggle of conversion as "a mighty storm and a powerful downpour of tears."

We should not despair, though, if inner change seems beyond our reach. There is a certain mysterious dynamic to God's ways in our life. God helps "melt us down" so as to reshape us.

Everything begins with the heart's restless search for peace and fulfillment. At the center of our lives there is a hunger for something which we cannot name, a desire that we do not understand, a voice that will not be silent. We can turn to our usual distractions -- our work, weekends away, television, and our friends. But these experiences cannot quiet the inner search.

We tend to view this restlessness as a nuisance we hope will go away, like a headache or sore throat. But it does not leave us easily. It haunts us like a recurring dream. It appears as an infinite void that cannot be filled.

There is a positive side to this restlessness. It tells us there is more to life than we can grasp or control. It is like an inner emptiness that tells us something is missing, and cries out to be filled. In the case of the human heart, this inner hunger is for the living God.

In the early stages, we simply begin to have doubts about the way we are living our lives, or we may feel our lives are absurd. We leave the comfort of unquestioned routines and enter a darkness of groping and searching. Despite outward appearances that everything is fine, we are inwardly filled with dread. We reach out to embrace what we cannot see and do not know.

We seem to have stepped off a cliff and are free-falling into spiritual crisis. At this stage, solitude is a characteristic of our life. We may be surrounded by familiar friends and supports, but inside, we are a million miles away. We have taken an untraveled road where no one else can follow.

This inner crisis may result from almost anything: confronting a major life decision, relocating, the sudden shock resulting from an accident, a death in the family, the loss of employment or love, or a narrow escape from danger. The support system is suddenly gone. The mask is removed. The illusions fall away like autumn leaves and we stand naked against the sky.

These moments are dark and demanding, but also transforming. They may be God's way of jolting us into awareness. Looking back, we realize that something was lost, but something else was found, and we will never be the same again. Just when we thought we had become hopelessly lost, we realize we had just found the way.

Conversion need not seem dramatic from the outside. What makes it real is the wilderness of our heart, where we confront demons and darkness.

How do we find the door that leads to new growth? By letting go of our desire to control our lives and instead entrust them into the hands of God. This requires a leap of faith.

Jesus said, "I tell you solemnly, unless you change and become like little children you will never enter into the kingdom of heaven" (Mt 18:3). A childlike attitude is the key.  God snatches victory from defeat, and snatches you from a pointless and futile life. Even when we seem to fail, God is mysteriously achieving his purposes in us.

Isaiah said (49:4-6): "Though I thought I had toiled in vain, for nothing, uselessly, spent my strength, yet my reward is with the Lord, for the Lord has spoken... and I am made glorious in his sight, and my God is now my strength. It is too little, he says, for you to be my servant... I will make you a light to the nations, that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth."

+Bishop Raymundo J. Peña

last updated 09-Jun-2010 10:44 sitemap