GIVING CARE

aUGUST 23, 2008

Charity, it is well said, begins at home. We could say it also ends there, meaning that after discharging our duties in the world, we still have duties at home to take care of those who have taken care of us, namely, the members of our family, principally our parents.

Today, more and more adult children find themselves called on to provide care for their aging parents. Doing so is one of the most concrete ways to express Christian love and family solidarity.

Each care giver's particular circumstances present their own challenges, opportunities, and difficulties. Each care giver usually feels torn, sooner or later, between helping the family member in need and meeting other life commitments, and so what is needed is balance between the two, and a practical approach to coping with reality.

Here are a few suggestions from those who have found themselves in this situation.

First, learn to accept your limitations. Much of the stress involved in care giving comes from an inner voice that places heavy demands on a person, and then the feeling of helplessness when we are unable to meet our own expectations to be everything to the one in need. These feelings are natural, but we have to accept what is beyond our power to change or control.

Limits are unavoidable.  The choice is to accept our limits or destroy ourselves by trying to go beyond them. St. Francis de Sales once wrote, "Do not sow your desires in other people's gardens". Sometimes the sick person copes better with pain, confinement, and loneliness than the care giver. The only way to accept our limitations is to do what we can and leave the rest to God, placing our trust in him, not in our own limited strength and resources.

Second, take time out for yourself. If you don't take adequate care of yourself, you won't be any good to anyone around you. Eventually fatigue or irritability will be your most dominant trait, and that's what will rub off on others. Many people grossly underestimate the amount of physical and emotional rest they need. In our hectic society, it seems almost everyone is trying to do too much. So lighten your load, and if you feel tired or listless, it probably means you need more rest. This is important for all of life, but it is especially important for the quality of care you want to provide your loved one.

Third, get help. Many people will gladly help when asked, but may not come forward for fear of intruding. It is important for you to send out clear signs you would welcome their assistance. This requires letting go of complete control, and letting your loved one be loved by others. You don't need to be the only one in the life of your loved one, and you can't be, so make the circle of concern and care larger. It's not selfish to pass responsibility to others; its a matter of prudence.

Part of getting help involves becoming informed about community and volunteer services that may be available to help. It's been fashionable for a while to say that it takes a village to raise a child, and likewise, it takes a village to care for one in need.

Fourth, keep a positive attitude. Mental attitude is significant, and it needs as much attention as physical health. The way we choose to view the challenge of providing care will almost certainly dictate the way we carry it out ‑‑ as a heavy burden or as a joyous opportunity to give love.

Sometimes, the challenge of providing care calls for major interruptions in our schedules and postponement of other important projects. Resentment may lurk, beneath the surface of our conscious awareness. Remember there is a bright side to every situation, even if it is not immediately apparent. Remember we can be sure of God's reward for every act of kindness. Realizing how blessings come to us in disguise usually happens after the fact, so a certain element of trust is required. In short, the greatest change that is required in our lives to become effective care givers is not a change in our schedules or our homes, but a change in our hearts.

Finally and most importantly, every care giver must trust in God and turn frequently to him for help. The care giver must be like the sailor at the helm. To steer the ship safely, he must keep his eye straight ahead, but he must also look up to the heavens frequently to get his bearings. If the care giver looks often to heaven to get his or her bearings from God, the work of giving care will be smooth sailing.

+Bishop Raymundo J. Peña

last updated 11-Jan-2010 8:22 sitemap