PRACTICAL HELPS TO FAMILY UNITY

JULY 30, 2006

One of the rites of passage from childhood to adulthood in our culture is getting a driver's license. It represents a gain of power and autonomy for the teen who acquires one, but it also usually means a loss of power and control on the part of the parents. No longer are they so easily able to monitor their son's or daughter's activities and associations.

The son or daughter of that age usually feels ready to conquer worlds, but the parents have seen enough of life to realize how full of risks it is, and how easy it is -- too easy -- for the young to "rush in where angels fear to tread", and to get into serious trouble they were not wise enough to foresee and avoid.

What is needed, and what often seems to be lacking, is a way for parents to continue to maintain close contact and good communication with their children, and ideally, this should be cultivated from the children's earliest years, so that when that difficult time of their growing independence comes, the parents will be able to stay involved with them, without appearing to be overly possessive intruders into their affairs. Eventually, most children are able to appreciate and value all their parents have done to prepare them for life. It's those difficult years that present the great challenge -- the years when the teenage son or daughter is most trying to assert, and so to establish, an independent identity, and when he or she is most likely to think of his/her parents as old-fashioned, behind the times, and generally "out of it".
Reinforcing parental authority is likely to produce the opposite effects from ones intended, but having a lax attitude toward offering the kind of guidance the son or daughter vitally needs, often without realizing it, is not a helpful response either.

Here are two practical suggestions that can help maintain and deepen good relationships between parents and children.

First, bring back the family meal. Ideally, the family should share at least one meal a day together. It's the perfect time to share company, too.

The family meal has nearly vanished, partly due to the conflicting demands of work, school, meetings, sports events, and many other priorities which cause family members to dash in and grab something to eat on the run.

Another part of the problem is that in many homes people eat their meals while sitting, or sometimes even standing, in front of the television, apparently preferring the company of media strangers to their own kin.

What can be done? It is probably unrealistic to ask family members to sacrifice all their individual pursuits and involvements for the sake of eating together every day at an appointed hour, and with the television off. As a compromise measure, though, what about a family meal three or four times a week? What about worshiping together on Sunday and sharing a meal afterwards? One way or another, parents should be ready to call for, and family members should be ready to commit to, some time together as sacred. The meal could take place in a restaurant. If at home, moms should not have to do everything. Involving everyone in the preparation and clean-up is desirable because it contributes to time spent together.

Just as television can be part of the problem, it can also be part of the solution. Families should be able to agree on at least one or two weekly TV programs they can all enjoy, and agree to view them together as a family. Renting a video will achieve the same effect.

This is only a good idea, though, if the family is consciously intending to use the TV program as an opportunity to socialize together, and this would probably entail some sort of family discussion or other interaction before or after the program.

A final note. One of the reasons why families don't spend time together is because of past hurts. In other words, it's not that families grow apart because they stop sharing meals; it's that families stop sharing meals because they've grown apart. Eating or watching TV together will only be an enjoyable family experience if there is family unity, and this requires that its members have been practicing love and care, forgiveness and sharing, help and mutual support all along.


+Bishop Raymundo J. Peña

last updated 05-Jun-2008 9:48 sitemap